Saturday 19th August 2006
my thoughts...

Sorry to everybody who reads my site, i know i havent been around for ages however today i have had some time to think about what i really want to put down in words...

Since my girlfriend found out about Samantha i have had many conversations with her about various subjects and answered many questions (and also asked a few myself), One subject that keeps coming up is basically about trust.

Back before my GF found out i was thinking about how i could tell her my secret, i looked at the pros, ie advice, a friend, makeup tips etc... and also the cons ie she laughs at me then dumps me (oh and then tells everyone why she dumped me) hence why in the end i decided to not tell her and hopefully find a happy medium between boymode and girlmode.

In hindsight i know my gf is not nasty enough to do the latter however to use one of my own analogies "you dont poke yourslef in the eye with a fork just to see if the surgeon can return your sight" and i felt i couldnt take the risk, quite possibly selfish of me do you think?

Anyway the main topic here was trust, i have found that my gf although supportive has also gotten quite mistrustful of me. I understand that i hid a big part of my life from her and once again hindsight is a wonderful thing, cos i would of told her sooner. I wish that she learns to hold some trust in me and i feel that sometimes she wants to find a reason to mistrust me, i know that we just have to keep talking etc, dont get me wrong im not saying i regret her finding out nor do i mind the questions (i actually like having little chats) When she found out i remember saying that it was the worst day of my life... I now realise that actually it was the best day of my life because we are now closer than ever and i feel like our relationship has had an injection of excitement! which is fun.

Im not sure if she realised this but about a month ago she bought me some new clothes from Next, She hung them up on my side of the room and surprised me with them, I thought that was the nicest thought and it kinda sealed the fact she is the girl i fell in love with and i feel lucky to be with her, i know other tgirls have a nightmare with their partners and my heart goes out to them cos im not sure i could cope with somebody looking sideways at me all the time, let alone the person you live with.

So unfortunately the past few months i have been mega busy with work and have had no time for Samantha which has had a knock-on effect with my gf cos She found out my secret but then i kinda neglected Samantha for a few months and my gf is like 'why doesnt Samantha come out and play?' and its only cos whilst im busy in boymode being Samantha isn't the main thing on my mind. I have had times this summer where i've thought that it'd be great to get all dressed up and do something but im too knackered half the time.

Today i woke up and felt like being pretty so i got dressed up and took a few piccys but all the time i was thinking ' i wish my gf was home from work to be with me and go out somewhere with'. We've been out round the block together walking so far and she took me for a drive a few weeks back which was great! We drove round Derbyshire for about an hour... She thought i was bored even though i kept telling her it was great to be "2 foxy chicks in a car" lol, i really liked it and we took a few piccys together and we went home and i got changed back to boy clothes but i absolutely loved those few hours out together. She has given me her spare makeup, she has been a real good friend and also my personal makeup artist lol

The oncoming months??? well hopefully now work has calmed down a bit i will have the time to spend with my gf as Samantha. She is quite eager to go out somewhere and meet other tgirls and partners, she is always checking the ukangels forums out and chatting away to other partners but she wants to have real friends to go out with. I kinda feel the same but am still pretty nervous about going out on my own let alone with my gf and crikey to meet other people is quite scary at the minute ... im thinking maybe i just do one thing at a time for the time being.

anyway changing the subject a bit, how come my geustbook has dried up? come on folks show me some love :) sign the blog its what drives me to do the website:) EDIT: SO GUESTBOOK DEPOT ARE SHIT AND HAVE MESSED MY GUESTBOOK UP...JUST EMAIL ME YOUR LOVE INSTEAD :) X

Samantha xxXXxx

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